Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
