i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
