Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
