I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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