And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have feelings that need drinking.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
