The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
