the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
