I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
