She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
