I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
