Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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