So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
