It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
