just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
