Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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