girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
