so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize
