Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
