The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
