I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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