is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
