I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
