he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
