Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize