please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
zippers are such a cool invention
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
