On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
