my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
