you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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