Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
