No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So many bounce houses so little time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
