I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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