you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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