Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
