i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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