First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
