I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
