i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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