I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
