buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
