im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Reggie can tackle my bush.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
