Heybabeimwearingurpanties
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize