12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
