Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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