I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
