I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
