I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
