fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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