just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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