I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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