just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
