I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize