my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Randomize
