My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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