I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize