just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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