Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
