one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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