Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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