alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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