I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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