Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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