I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
