plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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