Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
