I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
