I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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