Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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