Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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