I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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