i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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